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Unofficial 
Programme 




George III 



OF 



Alexander Hamilton 



ROOSEVELT'S RECEPTION 



BY 



The Hamilton Club 




Theodore I 

By EDWARD GARSTIN SMITH 

AUTHOR OF 

THE LIFE AND REMINISCENCES OF 
ROBERT G. INGERSOLL 

AND 

The Real Roosevelt 



■ ' ■ , Published by 

THE STATES PUBLISHING COMPANY 

I 7 Van Buren Street, Chicago, 111., U. S. A. 



PRICE. TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 






f^^^^. 



COPYRIGHTED. 1910 

BY 

EDWARD GARSTIN SMITH 



©CU271143 



E 757 
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FLUNKEY DOM. 3 

Dm-iiiii,- his well advertised visit in London 
Roosevelt received an envoy extraordinary 
of the Hamilton Cluh, from Chicago, with a 
handsomely engrossed set of resolutions, full 
of fulsome flattery, expensively hound and 
encased. 

Out of gracious ai)preciation lioosevelt in- 
troduced this llamiltonian envoy to royalty — 
nine kings. Shortly after his return this gen- 
tleman had to wear his right hand in a sling 
because every Hamiltonian wanted to shake 
the hand that held nine kings', l)eing five more 
than honest Pat Slieedy ever dared to hold. 

This cluh attended the Roosevelt reception 
in New York in i)rincely style. They engaged 
a special train and two locomotives to lieat 
the Twentieth C'entury Express. They en- 
gaged a wliole floor in the AValdorf-Astoria, 
where ])erennially Wall Street and Washing- 
ton, I). C, comhines to ahsorh the country. 
They chartered a large steamer with a loud 
whistle to greet the incoming hero. 

After the intense excitement of Roosevelt's 
i'ece|)tiou in New York had suhsided the Ham- 
iltonians still lounged about the Waldorf- 
Astoria, drinking mint juleps and awaiting a 
message from Oyster Bay to the Lobsters at 



4 THE HEAL UOO^EVELT. 

bay. It came after tliree days of vigil at the 
tank west of "Peacock alley." 

The greatest man in the world would grant 
them an audience the next day, June 22, at his 
Outlook Office for a look out at the political 
horizon. 

At the api)ointed time the llamiltonians 
marched down to Koosevelt's office and blew 
in. They left their hats in the hall and shoes 
in the street. They were at last in the pres- 
ence of greatness. 

Judge John H. Batten, president of the 
club, made a speech. I shall not re])()it what 
he said, but shall say what he ought to have 
said. Here goes: "Noble son of God, who 
can do no wrong, we welcome you back to our 
native land. Shakespeare said: 'What is in a 
name?' A\'e hurl back the answer there is 
much in a name. All the world knows the 
lull meaning of the ominous word Roosevelt. 
We also know wliat lI;imil1ouisni menus. 

"A\'hat Hamilton stood for Roosevelt can 
stand on!" ((Jreat cheers by the Hams, 
joined in by Ihc iiopuhu-c outside. During the 
excitement lloosey felt for his sixshooter and 
fired out of the window, killing two i)igeons 
and one dove.) 



GRABBING THE GOODS. 5 

After quiet was restored Judge Batteu re- 
sumed batten-away at the patriotic subject. 
Said he: ''We are the Baronial delegation of 
the lordly Hamilton Club. We came from 
Chicago. No picture or bust of Thomas Jef- 
ferson mars the scenery of our home. 

"We do not endorse that absurd piece of 
political jargon, the Declaration of Independ- 
ence. 

"The Constitution of the United States, 
framed by a few old fogy backwoodsmen, is a 
back number with us, as well as with you who 
have filled it full of holes. 

"Our library is well censored and our 
African boy has orders to look through all pub- 
lications and cut out the names or faces of 
Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, Voltaire, 
Eousseau, Franklin, Ingersoll and other advo- 
cates of that vulgar and dangerous thing 
called liberty. 

"Colonel Eoosevelt, we thank God that we 
are as dog-goned dogmatic, mean, hypocrit- 
ical and imperialistic as you are. 

"We love you dearly and admire you for the 
wonderful way you have of grabbing the 
goods — and getting away before the patrol 
was'on comes. 



6 TEE BEAL ROOSEVELT. 

"AVe have a few precepts which coincide with 
your own unerring views of life. 'The end 
justiiies the means.' 'Success justifies every- 
thing.' 'Get the money, no matter how.' 'Tell 
the truth whenever absolutely necessary — but 
do not be finicky about it. If caught in a lie, 
abuse the other fellow.' We wish we could do 
this as successfully as you do. If caught with 
the goods, hire a lawyer. We have a lot of 
them in our club. They must all make a living. 
So you see, they can not afford to be too scrupu- 
lous. Nicholas Macchiavelli is our patron 
saint. 

"Colonel Roosevelt, there are ethics — and 
then there are ethics. There are moral ethics 
and political ethics. Moral ethics are for stu- 
dents, philosophers, children and the women 
folks. They are Platonic rules — purely 
academic. 

"But political ethics — that's the stuff. 
That is our code — made for practical men — 
men who dare do things even if the law forbids. 

"One of the primary rules of political ethics 
is not to do your comrades when there are 
others to despoil. We thank God, times are 
so prosperous under our party that there need 
be no political cannibals. 



SON OF GOD. 7 

"By the way, Colonel, when you were in 
Paris did you meet our dear old friend, 
Bunau Varilla? The press dispatches were 
silent on that subject. 

"Oh! Noble Roosevelt, son of God, founder 
of our great American imperial dynasty, you 
are the noble king and we are the noble nobles. 

"We are proud that you are the product of 
American soil and that it is unnecessary to go 
abroad to import our king. 

"AVe love you because you are of us and we 
are of you. Our instincts and interests are 
identical. AVe sul)sist on and must keep the 
people down. 

"The sun shines, the rain falls and the dew 
kisses the growing crops; the cattle browse 
on the hills; the delicious grapes ripen on the 
vines; the palatable fish bask in the sea; the 
coal, iron and precious metals are in the earth — 
all these desirable things and many more are 
ours, but we need the hands and toil of many 
common people to procure them for us. 

"We have the money; they have the labor. 
Let us keep labor down to the lowest level of 
safety and put capital up as high as possible. 
'E pluribus unum' for us. 

"We invite you to visit us in Chicago Sep- 



8 THE REAL ROOSEVELT. 

tember 8, 1910, at a banquet in your honor, 
at 6 ij. m., so that you can take a midnight 
train and lose none of your precious time. 

"AVhen we are all assembled at the festive 
board, the convocation will have the divine in- 
vocation performed by a real live fat bishop; 
such appeals to the deity being customary at 
the assembling of all honorable public bodies 
like the Congress of the United States and the 
Illinois State Legislature. 

''You know, Colonel, that devout Christian 
prayer, Hke your rough-rider hat, covers a 
multitude of sins. 

''Our beloved brother, AVilliam the Silent, 
Duke of Lorimer, will not be present, owing to 
a serious collision with the Chicago Tribune's 
automobile on the 'via Senatus.' 

"His crippled and bandaged person would 
mar tlie festivities; but his political spirit will 
be there. 

"Bishop xlnderson, for obvious reasons, 
will not mention his name in his prayer to the 
Old Gentleman in heaven. But from all of our 
political hearts comes a prayer direct to you, 
that you exercise your authority over your 
United. States Senate so that so valuable a 
politician as Senator William Lorimer mav not 



WILLIAM THE SILEXT. 9 

lose his seat iu the American House of Lords. 
"We are attending to his interests here in 
the best way man can. We have a state's attor- 
ney who is honest, able and willing. He has 
a large number of empty shells and a score 
that would not get much at a shooting match. 
He would make a fine Methodist preacher; but 
as a state's attorney he has a wav of keepino- 
rich malefactors out of jail. Iu this he re"^ 
minds us of you. Pie is an American. We 
must stand by our pals." 

(Great cheering. Roosevelt grinning from 
ear to ear, shouted, ''Bully! Bully!") 

"After the feast of food, flood of spirits and 
gush of adulation, we will have a few jack-pots 
and then retire to suitable bath rooms. Here is 
where we can use a few bottles of your patent 
jiolitical purifier. 

"Noble Roosevelt, you have been awav 
from us for more than a year. We are eager 
to tell you the truth. 

"Presently you will send out scouts and then 
take the trail yourself. But we want to put vou 
wise right now. Since your departure home- 
ward from South Africa the people heard an 
awful explosion in Egypt and a volcanic 
eruption at the Guildhall in London. 



10 THE REAL ROOSEVELT. 

"You overplayed your hand. 

"Today the populace views you with suspi- 
cion; but the opulent rich all over the country 
are with you 'to the hilt' — and ready to use 
the blade. 

"We are a rich country and the rich must 
be protected. We look to you to save the 
country. Long live King Theodore I. ! " 

At the conclusion of this eloquent speech 
President Eoosevelt said, with characteristic 
honesty and bravery : 

"Fellow Haniiltonians, I have been deeply 
moved and indelibly impressed with the pro- 
found wisdom so eloquently propounded by 
your president, Judge Batten. 

"I will be with you in person at 6 p. m., Sep- 
tember 8; Imt I am with you in spirit always. 
Eemember, we must be in harmony to meet 
the enemy. 

"You asked me about Bunau Varilla. I de- 
cline to answer. There are reporters present. 
I do not want to have to deny what I said. Be- 
sides, that is a closed incident. 

"However, boys, that Panama deal was a 
pretty smooth piece of business. It was a job 
by professionals — no blundering. 

"It was a bloodless revolution, that third 



FLIM-FLAM. n 

day of Xovember, 1903. No ammunition was 
used but gold dollars, although my warships 
were down there with plenty of ammunition of 
another sort ready to be used if necessary. 

''On the same day the revolution begun it 
ended ; the old government ceased and the new 
one was inducted. 

"As president of the United States I stood 
ready to recognize the new Eepublic of Panama 
before it was born ; but out of respect for the 
law of nations and to make sure that every- 
thing went off according to schedule, I waited 
three days, and then officially recognized it and 
informed Colombia of the amputation. 

''In two weeks I signed the Panama Canal 
treaty. A few weeks later I made Congress 
pay $40,000,000 for the worthless old French 
Panama bonds that a few shrewd gentlemen 
bought up for a song and cleaned up a profit 
of about $35,000,000. 

"Now, gentlemen, this is mere reminiscence. 
I have not yet reached old age and anectodage. 

"I am after Nicaragua now. My deputy in 
the AVhite House is acting under orders. I 
would have got Nicaragua long ago if Mexico 
had not check-mated me. But I recently sent 
the commander-in-chief of my army, General 



12 THE REAL ROOSEVELT. 

Leonard Wood, down to the South American 
republics, ostensibh^ for one purpose, but 
really for another. 

"When we get ready to take Nicaragua in the 
name of progress and decency, there won't be 
a murmur about it in South America; and if 
Mexico protests we will annex her. 

"There will be a lot of fat political jobs down 
there in Nicaragua — a governor-general, secre- 
tary of state, treasurer, auditor, military ap- 
pointments, postoffice jobs, railway franchises, 
banking privileges, irrigation and conserva- 
tion graft. Besides, when the Panama Canal 
work must be abandoned, we will have Nica- 
ragua — the easiest way. 

"Believe me, gentlemen, I will remember 
the Hamilton Club. 

"Now, gentlemen, you must excuse me." 
Then opening the door of an adjoining room he 
asked his guests to look in. Several tables 
were filled high with unopened letters. Then 
he said: "Gentlemen, I must answer all these 
letters by tomorrow night. Au revoir ; so long. ' ' 

On September 8, 1910, at 6 p. m.. President 
Eoosevelt sat down among the Hamilton Club 
banqueters at the Congress Hotel, in Chicago, 



THE HAMS. 13 

amid thunders of applause, meant to be heard 
by the Socialists in Milwaukee. 

After the eating, drinking, ablutions and pre- 
liminary speakers. President Eoosevelt arose 
majestically. He spoke as follows : 

''Gentlemen of tlie Hamilton Club, you now 
gaze upon the human altar before which the 
royalty of the old world paid its devotions and 
homage, and from which the people of Egypt 
fled in terror. 

''As you know, mine has always been a 
strenuous life. But never before have I so 
strained strenuosity as during my seventy days 
in Europe, consorting familiarly with emperors, 
kings, queens, princes and the highest ranks of 
the titled nobility. I am proud to say that dur- 
ing all that time I never wasted a moment on 
anything below a ten-spot. 

"Some say that I impressed the snobbery of 
Europe with the power of America ; others say 
I impressed the power of Europe with snob- 
bery of America. Be that as it may; but be- 
lieve me, boys, I had a bully time. 

"AVlien I called on the Emperor Franz 
Joseph he said to me: 'My great friend 
Eoosevelt, I want you to stay over one day more 



14 THE REAL ROOSEVELT. 

with me and go, by moonlight, shooting birds 
glued to trees.' 

''I said, 'Franz, I would like to do you the 
honor, but it would disarrange my program, and 
you know that must not be. I can safely dis- 
arrange the commercial conditions of my coun- 
try, but no man can disarrange my program. In 
my country no man would dare to suggest such 
a thing. My dear Franz, you are ignorant. I 
excuse you. ' 

"Gentlemen, I will desist from any further 
badinage and get down to tlie meat of our 
meeting. 

''For a score of years I have had a growing- 
conviction that this country is ripe for a radical 
change in its government. AVe have grown too 
rich and opulent to permit of our continuing 
at the mercy of the vicissitudes of party politics 
and the uncertainties of elections. 

"A republican form of government is ideal, 
but a monarchy is real. 

"There are many attractive features about a 
monarchy, among them the fact that the peo- 
ple need not think — in fact, they won't be al- 
lowed to think if they dared. 

"Under a monarchy the rich can indulge their 
appetites without restraint, employ a few to 



THE ]yAB LOBl). 15 

think and attend to business and the ati'airs of 
the government. Plenty of priests will keep 
the minds of the people in a state of abject sub- 
mission, satisfied to work and slave for the 
privileged classes, waiting for a raise of wages 
when they get to heaven. 

"It's a cinch for us, altliougli an awful bur- 
den to those under us. 

''History shows that republics are few in 
number, short lived, spasmodic and dire fail- 
ures. The people can not stand the test. They 
will not think. They can not govern. They 
must be ruled. 

"The protest against republican misrule is 
heard everywhere. Democracy has failed. A 
stronger and more stable government is needed. 
I am here to give it to you. Long have I been 
in training for this momentous moment. 

"The hour has come and I am the man. My 
war-horse is hitched to your doorpost. Shall 
we march forth (1913) and conquer? 

"I am delighted to be in your midst. We are 
early friends. Our early loves are our 
strongest passions. 

"Years ago you hailed me as a very great 
man, but very many people did not know it 
then. 



16 THE REAL ROOSEVELT. 

' ' You men deserve much credit for your acu- 
men. AVlien Mohammed became great he 
built a large harem and filled it with a lot of 
lovely loves. But still he loved Katisha — in- 
deed, he loved her best; for she had faith in 
him when he was unknown. 

''That is the way I feel towards the Hamil- 
ton Club. You are my Katisha. 

"You had faith in me when others mocked 
me. Now, none dare to oppose me. I have the 
license of the gods. My power reaches every- 
where — from Washington, D. C, to Zanzibar. I 
can bring to the dust the proudest as well as the 
humblest man. 

"But I love my Hamilton Club. You can sit 
on my lap, get my hot breath and roughest 
caresses. 

"I like you because you ai)preciate my impor- 
tance. I love you because you are duly deferen- 
tial and humble towards me. 

"When the Constitution is abolished and I 
am enthroned at AVashington I shall make you 
all Knights of the Suspenders of Saint Ham- 
ilton. 

"I heard what you said about the explosion 
in Egypt. I think myself I overplayed my 
hand. But the bad effect will wear off. I gen- 



PAT! 17 

erally give the public thirty days to forget it; 
and then, when the clouds roll by, my glorious 
reputation for honesty outshines everything. 

"I have made breaks enough so that the 
public is used to them. If I did not make a 
break just so often they would lose interest in 
me. Leave that to me, boys. 

"I communicated with the spirit of Wallen- 
stein and he told me that the stars are not pro- 
pitious for me to break into the White House 
now, but to abide my time and it would come 
again. 

''So now the program is to endorse Taft, rec- 
ognize the insurgents and stand pat. You know 
'Pat' is a mighty good word; it stands for Pat- 
rick, and every son of St. Patrick is on my vot- 
ing list. I fixed that with Cardinal Gibbons and 
Archbishop Ireland. You know, when I am 
traveling I sleep at least twice a week at some 
Catholic parsonage. 

' ' There are some people who think I am over- 
doing this thing; that Catholics should have the 
same rights and privileges as all others, but no 
more. 

"I do not own outright the Associated Press 
and the chain of big dailies, but I control them. 
I have decided that the American public shall 



18 THE HEAL ROOSEVELT. 

now demand four years more of Taft and Taffy. 
You have noticed the difference in the tone of 
my daily pajDers. President Taft is no longer 
the second citizen of America. It is now the 
faithful, unpretentious public servant. He is no 
longer being blamed for the tariff bill. I am 
going to have everybody in American call him 
'Honest Bill Taft.' 

"While Pinchot and Garfield are playing 
Punch and Judy wdth Cannon and Aldrich, Bill 
and I, in the box office behind, will keep on 
counting the money. Just as long as you can 
fool the people you can keep your pockets filled. 
The moment you are on the square you are lost. 

''Gentlemen, I will explain this Aldrich- 
Cannon agitation. I want Henry Cabbage 
Lodge to take Aldrich 's place in the Senate 
machine; and I want a Roosevelt man of 
Willie Taft's jDliability in Cannon's chair. 
Cumprenez-voiisf 

"Of course, the agitation appears to be in 
the interest of the people; but in reality it is in 
my interest. Furthermore, the People are more 
interested in me than in themselves. 

"After I have re-elected our brother Bill I 
shall travel again, this time in my own yacht, 



THE BUCCANEER. 19 

the 'Buccaneer,' that will outclass Commodore 
Morgan 's ' Corsair. ' 

"The bottom of the ship will be a regular 
Noah's Ark, so that I may have plenty of live 
targets without depopulating the crew. 

"I will have a throne room and many of my 
courtiers will be with me. I will have many 
beautiful ladies and complaisant gentlemen on 
board. 

"All the senses will bo gratified and some 
nonsense, also. 

' ' There will be an altar on the starboard side 
and plenty of priests and Father confessors — 
and much to confess. 

"I will show the world how a potentate 
should live. 

"By the year 1916 the American public will 
be so thoroughly hobbled and docile that popu- 
lar national elections will be unnecessary. The 
Pretorian Cohorts will attend to that and Gen- 
eral Leonard Wood will be on the job. 

"If I should suddenly be called to my 
Heavenly Father I have arranged it with the 
executor of my will, J. Pierpont Morgan, that 
he will fix it with the Pretorian Cohorts that my 
son Theodore shall be inaugurated as Theo-* 
dore II." 



20 TEE REAL ROOSEVELT. 

WHAT HENRY WATTER80N SAID 

about 

THE EEAL ROOSEVELT 

by 

EDWARD GARSTIN SMITH 

In tbe Louisville Courier-Journal. 



"Tliis book is lovingly dedicated to the 
asiuinity of the Auierican people," aud ])iir- 
ports to be an unveiling of the real personality 
of America's popular hero. That the people 
are worshiping a myth, an unreal creation of 
fiction, a creature conjured up by the imagina- 
tion of clever manipulators of public opinion, 
is the basis of Mr. Sxuith's book, and he pro- 
ceeds to riddle this effigy with all the shot and 
shell in his magazines. 

The author proceeds with many epigrammatic 
and trenchant utterances, to arraign Colonel 
Roosevelt categorically for offenses and blun- 
ders; and when he cannot find offenses and 
blunders — though he rarely fails in this effort — 
he turns back to the pages of history and recalls 
some particularly obnoxious person, with whom 
he compares our ex-President. Nero, Tarquin, 



► 



THE REAL ROOSKVELT. 21 

Ananias, Peter tlie Great, Attila, Jupiter Plu- 
vius and varions other gentlemen with rude 
iiinmiei's ;in(l violent tendencies serve to })oint 
tlie moral and adorn the tale. That Gains 
Caligula and Judas iscai'iot do not figure in 
the list is probably due to an oversight on the 
pai't of the author; or ])erliaps he is reserving 
them Tor a future volume. The i)eople have 
l)een deluded into believing tiuit Colonel Roose- 
velt is a writer, but Mr. Smith disposes of that 
linllnciiiation in slioi't order. He says: "Take 
his ' Amei'ican Ideals.' It is verbose and ]U'olix : 
a few trite sayings, a number of second-hand 
thoughts, buried in several hundred pages of 
verbiage, and you have this 1)ook." To his 
oratory he gives even less consideration: "If 
Koosevelt is an orator, the crow is a song bird." 
In like manner he disposes of other popular 
beliefs about Colonel Roosevelt, including his 
conduct as a soldier, statesman. President, and 
citizen. He alludes in no uncertain terms to the 
"Sugai- Trust," the "Pension Scandal," the 
Schley case, the Booker Washington incident, 
the Panama Canal complications, and gives in- 
numerable other illustrations of what he calls 
Colonel Roosevelt's "unfitness" to be trusted 
with the leadershi]) of the American people. 



•22 rilE IIKM nonSEVELT. 

The });i,nes bristle with iiivcclivc. Mr. Smith's 
fertility of ei)ithet is a eoiitiinial siu-i)]-ise. 
When lie seems to hjive exhausted every name 
and phrase ot* o]»|)robrinm he wiil suddenly take 
a ''fresh liold" and hei:,in his verba! i)nnnneihnii,' 
all over a.nain. After callinii,- Coh)nel Koosevelt 
"pei'])etnal motion in tronsers;" "the Hero of 
1,000 Camei-a IJatth's;" ''a Tin Soldier;" 
"'Theodore the Morganizei-;" "(Jeyser of Ego- 
tism," ete., ete., he sallies into the realm of 
occnitism, amionnces that ('olonel Roosevelt's 
behavior has convinced him of the truth of the 
theory of llie transmigration of souls, and 
declares that "Ivoosevelt is nndoul)tedly ini- 
])elled by the soul not merely of some one 
animal, but a whole iungle of wild beasts!" 
The White House, during what he calls "the 
reign of Theodore the First," he comi)ares to 
"the combination of a royal j^alace, a mad- 
house and a menagerie." 

Mr. Smith strikes one serious note. The wor- 
ship of a man instead of a pi'inciple ha^ never 
brought anything but disaster to a narion, and 
Mr. Smith may not be amiss in sounding the 
warning prediction. 



THE REAL ROOSEVELT 



B^ 



Edward Garstin Smith 

IN THREE VOLUMES 



Volume I. Original Volume. General Summary. 

Volume II. Supplement. An Amplification. 

Volume III. Theodore Africanus. Marching Home. 

Handsomely illustrated. Price, cloth, $1.50 each: $4.50 the set. 

Send express or P. O. money orders, or registered letter 

Personal checks require amount of exchange added to price 

bent prepaid to any address in the United States, Canada or Great Britain. 

THIS SET OF THREE VOLUMES 

Contains an inner view of the startling hypocrisy, mendacity and fraud of our 

INational Government during the first decade of the Twentieth 

Century —The Augustan Age of Roosevelt. 

IT IS HISTORY 

ink among the classics. They embod 
n, the vivid animation of Scott, ih 
vit of Mark Twain and the deadly 

THE CARTOONS ARE CONVINCING 



These books will rank among the class.cs. They embody the diligence and 
accuracy of Gibbon, the vivid animation of Scott, the clear elucidation 
of Macaulay. the wit of Mark Twain and the deadly sarcasm of Junius 



THESE BOOKS ARE strong thoughts, dear language 

REMARKABLE FOR Qu^ii.Mld'^u.nH.,. 

Mr. Smith IS a master of thought, language and expression. 

INTENSE ABSORBING RADIATING 

A lover of truth and a friend of facts. 

Widely and accurately informed, contemporaneously and historically. 

Intellectually stimulating. A thinker who will make you think 



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Theodore Af ricanus I!*^ ^^" ""^ ^'''°'^' 

^^— ^^->^^^^— .^-^.i_^^.^_^_ Bluster end Blunder 




THE REAL ROOSEVELT 

By EDWARD GARSTIN SMITH 
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